A Lesson in Names and Pronouns

I haven’t publicly “spoken” about this since coming out in my last blog. I don’t need to give anyone reasons as to why I haven’t, I don’t need to explain myself one bit, but I feel the need to bring the topic up. Why? Because not speaking about it makes me feel like some people think it might just go away, that this is just a phase in my life.

First I want to begin with a lesson in using proper pronouns and names. Imagine you are out to eat and the person serving you food mistakes you for the opposite sex. Immediately you correct them, right? Your are correcting them because they are wrong, because you know in your heart that you are you and we all want to be validated. They immediately apologize and correct themselves. It’s easy, it’s done and over with, simple and now everyone feels better.

Now when I tell somebody that I am transgender and that I’m a man nobody else gets the right to say that I am not. Why? Because they are not walking in my shoes, they have not lived my life, and they do not know how my mind works. They are not me and their opinion on how I express myself does not have any meaning on how I live my life.

So, when somebody calls me by my birth name I cringe. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’ve hated that name since I was a kid. Even adding one of my middle names to the first only made it a tiny bit better, but still I grew to hate it. “Ruth” made me feel like an old lady, it didn’t fit. “Ruth Ann” made me feel like a little girl, it didn’t fit. BLAKE makes me smile. BLAKE feels like a good fit. Calling me by my old names makes me feel as if you are not accepting who I am, it makes me feel horrible, and it actually hurts me.

With that in mind let’s move on to using proper pronouns. Remember that scene in the restaurant where you correct the person serving you food? Okay good. So, now maybe you can understand that if I tell you that I’m a man, and my pronouns are masculine, that that’s that, right? I hope so.

Now I understand it’s harder for some people who have spent X number of years using the exact opposite for both name and pronoun. All I’m saying is that as soon as you start using the correct terms you’ll see just how happy it makes me.

Honestly I feel like this may be a bit scattered, and not very well put together, but I hope that it gets the point across.

Also as a bit of a side note, I’m still learning and figuring everything out myself. It’s not cut and dry, it’s a journey of self discovery, one that I know is very hard to understand, but it’s also incredibly hard to get through.

Many people who go through this don’t have the same support that I do, and I know that I’m lucky. I’m lucky that my mother is working on understanding and calling me by my name, I’m lucky that other members of my family are trying to understand and not exiling me for who I am.

My heart goes out to those who are struggling silently, without any of that support. May you stand strong and come out the other side, I look forward to meeting you there.

xo Blake

This Is Me

Writing these words isn’t easy for multiple reasons. It might just be due to the fact that I’m a perfectionist when it comes to what I write, and making sure these words come out in a way that everyone will understand them seems quite impossible. It probably is impossible to be honest, because we all lead our own lives, have our own beliefs, and see things a certain way.

No matter who you are that is reading this, these words are mine, from the life I lead, to my beliefs, and how I see things. Your opinion on them is your own, and after reading this I would appreciate it wholeheartedly if you didn’t try to push them on to me.

I state again, this is my life, my beliefs, and how I see things.

Let’s start with a bit of a back story, shall we?

When I was younger and growing up my mother was great (she still is) and she never forced any role on me or my brother. We played with what we wanted to play with, we dressed how we wanted to dress, and we acted as our own selves would; There were no guidelines, there were no boundaries, just a set of rules to make sure we didn’t hurt ourselves or each other.

I don’t remember what age it was when I started to consider myself a “tomboy” but the fact remains that I was never what anyone could really consider girly. Sure I played with my barbies, but I also played with my legos, matchbox cars, and those tiny little skateboards.

Now I want to take a second just to breathe because the further I get into writing this and the further you get into reading this, the truth is just around the corner. It’s exciting because on one hand I feel like I’m finally going to be free, but on the other hand it’s terrifying because I know that I could lose many relationships, and some of which would break my heart.

If you’ve seen the little bio sections on any of my pages, you’ll notice that I have it set to say “slytherin. puppy enthusiast. music lover. weirdo” or something resembling those few facts. There is actually one thing missing, and it’s probably the biggest truth to my name.

The truth is is that I am transgender. I identify as a male, with male pronouns. I am not trapped in the wrong body, although I am constantly wishing I had different assets. You need to understand that gender isn’t something that’s physical, it’s a mentality. Gender is a spectrum, on one side you have the male box, and on the other side the female box. It can be quite confusing and distressing, and for someone like me who likes things organized sometimes it can be hell. Most people are lucky though and it’s not something they ever question, but from my teenage years I’ve always thought I was different.

I never really fit in with my girl friends, but I never really wanted to fit in with the guys. I kept to myself a lot, always in my head, and if you knew me during my teenage years you knew that life wasn’t easy for me.

I remember googling “when does sex develop in the womb,” considering I was born three months early. Turns out, it develop’s quite early so as I didn’t know much I just set aside the questions I had about my gender. My body says I’m female, so obviously, that’s it.

It’s not it though.

This journey is a long one. Some people that I’ve told think I still have some exploring to do, and they’re right. I do have more exploring to do, but then again we all do. My path is just different from what was expected.

This doesn’t change me. I’m still the same person. And by saying all this I’m free.

I’m going to spread my wings and fly.

This is my life and this is me living it to it’s fullest.

I welcome you to join me on my journey, but if you’re stepping off the train I wish you all the luck with your life. And I thank you for being whatever it is you were to me, or are to me, because I truly believe that people are put in our lives for reasons.

Until next time.

My name is Blake, and my pronouns are he/him/uncle/and other masculine like terms. I’m twenty three years old and this is the first day of my life.

Surgery Story

So as has been posted on my Facebook I got surgery Thursday to have the hardware removed from my leg that was put in there last year when I broke it. It had bothered me since I got it and I'm quite happy to know that soon enough I'll be able to go about my life like normal. I'm too young to be in that much pain all the time.

Sadly this means I've got to re-heal from the incision which isn't the greatest thing, but it healed real well last time, so I think it'll heal real well this time too.

It was quite a fast operation, apparently it only took an hour, and I was in the recovery room for two. I actually remember going into the operation room this time and actually started laughing because for one, they gave me something to relax, and two the mask for the anesthesia did smell like a beach ball like they said it would.

The last few days I've actually just been sleeping a lot and resting. I've watched the rest of season 1 of Unbreakable Kimmy Shcmidt. It's hilarious and if you haven't checked it out yet, there are two seasons of it on Netflix.

Now here's a picture of my leg, you're welcome.

Ready for surgery.

My leg, three days after surgery.

Last year, two weeks after surgery.

Going Back

Since I came home from Job Corps I've felt a string of different ways about it. I was upset, angry, indifferent, with not a lot of positivity. And since I've been home there hasn't really been too much for me to do but wait around for one thing or another.

I've thought about not going back, I've thought about moving out of state and going down and living with a friend and working with her, I've thought about applying to college, and a few other little things that just won't pan out. What this all boils down to is a decision, an adult decision that should have been my goal from the beginning.

I'm going to go back. I'm going to see about finishing my trade. I'm going to get a job. I'm going to continue my life and build towards a future that I want.

On Thursday I have surgery to get the hardware out of my leg. It's pained me for well over a year now and I'm really looking forward to having it completely healed. For the two weeks after that while I wait to get my staples removed I'll hopefully be making the plans on my return to Job Corps.

This is a huge decision for me to make and while I wish I could make a different one, it seems like the one that will give me the best future possible.

So here's to the future, and to all the success that may come of it.

Friends Like These

Yesterday was such a good day. My friends from New Hampshire came over and we went up to an awesome candy store and had a lot of fun trying the candy we bought. We also went to the movies and saw The Boss with Melissa McCarthy and it was quite funny.

I actually vlogged some of it and will be posting it to YouTube as soon as I edit it all together. We also did a few other videos including the Chubby Bunny challenge and the Bean Boozled challenge. Those videos will be up soon as well.

For now here are a couple of pictures from our adventure.

I feel very fortune to have friends like these.

Hello My Name Is Blake

It's been a while! I actually have thought about posting something on here for a while, but I haven't had the drive to do so if I'm completely honest.

But a lot has changed. It's crazy to think how much can change in just a few short months, let alone a year. I suppose that if you think about it it's not too crazy as everyday we're changing, we're growing. We are always becoming someone else everyday as we navigate our way through what life throws at us.

Over a month ago I was sent home from Job Corps due to my depression becoming too much too bear. I have since gotten the help I've needed, and I've gotten over that specific bump in the road.

Each time something happens though, be it small or big, we learn from it. Getting over that road bump brought a lot of things into perspective for me personally.

For one when I first went to Job Corps I wasn't ready to introduce myself as Blake, but it's been what I've wanted to be called for close to a year now. And Job Corps, for better or worse, has helped me become more confident in myself.

My relationship has come to an end, although we still are friends which is always nice, I know some people aren't that lucky.

Life is a journey, everyone has different paths, and I'm still figuring out where mine is leading. I'm excited though because everyday is a chance to build on that, to bond more with the people around us, as well as learning and growing, and I'm here to do that all.

My little niece Karbon

I recently got to meet my niece and nephew for the first time, and I'm super excited to see them grow. Their parents are already doing an amazing job and I know that these little people are going to grow into amazing bigger people.

Before I sign off I just want to thank everyone that supports me, your care means the world to me. And a few shout outs because this is my blog and I can do what I want - Carol and Tom, Mom, Justin, Aaron, Marcus, Mallory, Ashley, my wonderful Grandmother, and all my other friends who always brighten my day. The world needs more people like you.

Weekend Report

This weekend has been so great. It seems like ever since I got to Job Corps I haven't really had any time for just myself, which is fine, I'm not complaining, it was just incredibly nice not to have to go and hang out with anyone, and just be by myself.

This week is my last week of Anatomy and Physiology, and the week after we start Phlebotomy and I'm super excited for that. Might sound weird, but it really really interests me. Probably because I don't care too much for anatomy or physiology.

I also started working on rewriting one of my stories, and I've got to say, I'm my own worst critic. I've always known it, but I'm not even a full chapter in and I'm already hating what I'm producing. I suppose that's just the cons of being a writer.

I hope everyone is doing well. Spring is almost here!

Re-Writing A Story

If you're a close friend or family member you may or may not know that I like to write. From stories, to poetry, to just plain old journal entires, I like to put my thoughts down. I also tend to be very critical of myself and end up thinking almost all my poems and stories are utter garbage, but that's just the perfectionist part of me.

The reason I bring this up is because I've been wanting to write and get back on the bandwagon for quite a while now, and it just hasn't happened.

I'm happy to say though that I'm finally going to go back and rewrite a story I wrote last year and actually liked. It's going to take me some time because of everything else I have going on in my life right now, but that's okay.

Everything is just a work in progress.

I hope everyone is doing well.

Here's to My Future

Hard work really does pay off.

I decided to run for student government, I put myself in academics so I could raise my TABE score in math to a 12.9 (which is the highest you can get), I've signed up for the SAT's in March, and I'm going to be taking tours of a couple of colleges.

I'm so happy with my life right now. I'm working towards building a solid future for myself, and every step I take feels like it's in the right direction.

Last year at this time I don't think I'd have ever seen myself feeling like this. All in all things really can change majorly in a year.

I got elected into my position as Female Dorm President, and never have I felt more liked than when the staff that runs the SGA called my name and all those people cheered.

I brought my score up to a 12.9 like I wanted to.

I've started studying for the SAT's.

Life is what you make it, and I'm here making mine.